What Now

I apologize for fibbing a few weeks ago about the tentative blog schedule. This should have been wedding media files and it should have been last week. However, the photographers and videographers union have been “locked-out” of their facilities until they can agree on a new collective bargaining agreement and salary cap.

Needless to say, the wedding was a perfect mess and it was still a magically enchanted night with fireflies and unicorns. We had a great time mooning our honeys and will have the pictures of white people dancing, videos of Danielle’s Dad balling, and instagrams of our make-shift photo booth and props from the wedding back and up hopefully by next week. But that is not the context of the blogging expedition…

This typing trip will address the ‘now what’ in our lives? ‘Our time to shine’ has come and gone quick but that is okay because all good things come to an end. And with that ‘end’ a new ‘beginning’ is upon us and we are ready to spearhead the next chapter like a South African fisherman hunting a Great White (Shark Week starts 7/31).

Now, that all the wedding hoopla has toned down it has been nice to be able to go bed at a decent hour with my fingertips still intact, without having burned them off with a hot glue gun. There are no more late nights wasting our time doing seating charts that we had to throw out the window anyway because we had 20+ people come who either RSVPd that they weren’t coming and came, brought an unaccounted for guest, or just flat out weren’t invited and came because they assumed their invite was lost in the mail, awkward!

This frees up more time for the little things that are important in life like working-out after work, perfecting my cooking skills, and watching my DVRed programs like “Pardon the Interruption” and “So You Think You Can Dance.” Those are great but this is more about the bigger things in life.

Where to go? What to do? Who to see? And how we’re going to do it? This is where I would like to open up rush and start recruiting people. In the short term, the first place in want to go is Portland/Eugene, Oregon. Ducks football, Nike Headquarters, Tillamook Cheese, and Rogue Brewery are calling my name.

Who doesn’t want to see football in the fall in the loudest stadium in the country? You can turn your swag on and step up your show game at the hub of sports culture. I like cheese, you like cheese, even lactose intolerants eat cheese and deal with the consequences later because cheese is so good. And why not wash all that creamy fun down with an ice cold beer that is so good that some might say the’re “Oregasmic.”

The timeline I’m looking at is the Jewish holiday weekend of Sukkot, 10/13-10/16 and it’s the ideal weekend to go! Let me tell you why. The Ducks will be taking on the Sun Devils of Arizona State. Which means the mustard and maroon will be rained on with the sickest uniforms in the game both literally and figuratively. If you’re a UNLV fan and don’t want to miss a glorious tailgate (if they even exist) don’t fret for even one sec because we will be in the quaint town of Laramie, Wyoming visiting the Cowboys that weekend.

Oregon in the heart of Fall is absolutely breathtaking, or so Google Images tells me. Not to mention flights are ‘farely’ cheap right now. We would fly into PDX  the evening of 10/13 or morning of 10/14. Your trusty tour guide will make sure you get all the bathroom breaks and photo opps you need to complete your tourist experience at Nike, Tillamook, and Rogue.

Right now, the game time Saturday 10/15 is officially TBA but I have read some forums which indicate an 1:00pm kickoff time. Which can only mean one thing “Kegs and Eggs”!!!! Relive your Freshman year by waking up in a hotel room and start the day off right with a beer for breakfast. We’ll ‘road-trip it’ into the beautiful college town nice and early. I will even provide complimentary “The Oregonian” newspapers for the short and scenic ride.

During the game we’ll make friends in the student section to get the buzz on the post-game festivities. We’ll walk by random houses, see goofy white kids in basketball shorts playing beer pong on their porches and be welcomed exuberantly to join because everyone in Oregon is either happy or high.

We’ll stumble home and crash in our comfy yet small motel room sleeping three-to-a-bed for real estate purposes. Head out first thing in the morning stopping at the Original Original House of Pancakes to soothe any rumbling tummies before we board the short flight back home.

SO WHO’S COMING WITH ME?!?! Please come… if no one wants to come I will be stuck trying to convince Danielle that Oregon is for lovers not Ohio and that the Rose Garden is the most romantic place on Earth.

Mooning

Au revoir (I hate the French). Since I’m going to be a little preoccupied next weekend doing important things like color coordinating my t-shirts and DVRing my programs I probably won’t have time to recap the wedding and preview the honeymoon till after we get back. Rather than keeping you in limbo for the next 2 weeks, I figured it would only be polite if I gave you a little Costco demo of the honeymoon.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder (also known as (aka) OCD) with planning things. I plan what socks I will wear to work, I planned at what points of ‘Party Rock Anthem’ the bridal party pairs will enter to the second because #weddingdayimshufflin, needless to say I had a ball planning the honeymoon. For those of you who could care less about where we will be getting donuts at on Tuesday 6/21 I will be give you a the ‘www.pinkmoney.com’ version of it here, besides I will be checkin-ing to all the places as well.

We will be heading to the Yay area for a whole lot of nothing. We want to keep the walking to a minimum and wine to a maximum. It is my goal to eat an entire flatbread pizza and pretend to know what good wine is each day we are on vacation. We are spending 2 days in downtown San Francisco, 3 days in Sonoma, and 2 days in Napa… that’s 7 days (a week total) for you Mathematics majors.

Day 1: We leave Sunday morning and fly into SFO, where we will  BART it to the Hotel Abri to take a photo outside the hotel then, take a cab to the Motel 6, where we will really be staying… jk jk. We’ll probably relax, loiter at the mall a little bit, treat myself to some Air Max 95s, buy Danielle a fro-yo, and call it a night.

Day 2: Wake up really early (make Danielle mad because we should be sleeping-in on our honeymoon) catch some continental breakfast bagels, coffee, and read the ‘San Francisco Chronicle’ because I like to switch it up a bit. Wake-up Danielle around 2pm and walk to somewhere where we can say that we saw the Golden Gate Bridge. Then I want to head to Fisherman’s Wharf, I hear it’s kinda dirty and smells like fish but that is expected. I then will gorge myself with all you can eat sushi, as I research ideas for my new food truck concept “Now Sashimi, Now Ya Don’t.”

Day 3: We’ll wake up at break of dawn, just as the sun peaks over the ocean’s horizon… I hear the sun rising in the West is beautiful. We’ll check-out in a jiffy and pick up our economy rental car downstairs. I splurged for the Hyundai Accent to make sure we could fit our luggage in the backseats. Everyone knows that four-doors are a waste of space! We’ll head to the countryside and check-in at the Madrona Manor and spend the night eating and doing “absolutely nothing.

Day 4: Hopefully after so much of nothing I will be able to sleep-in and enjoy some breakfast in bed. I’m packing chocolate chips in my carry-on in case they don’t have any for my Johnny-cakes. Then to mix it up from the wine a little bit it’s time to confuse my palette at Bear Republic Brewery. We didn’t have time to be able to hit Rogue Brewery in the PDX so this will have to suffice. I have yet to plan a dinner location for Day 4 in Sonoma, so your suggestions are welcome.

Day 5: Thursday will be much more stressful for me because I have agreed to be spontaneous at least one day. The plan is to head to downtown Healdsburg (I hear it is just quaint and adorable) to wing it and stop a cute little bakeries for some croissants and other cute shit like that. They probably have a clock-tower we’ll ask a local to take a picture of us under…

Day 6: Now that all uncomfortable stuff is out of the way, it is time to party. Sensual couples massages to the soothing sounds of ‘Enya’ will kick of our stay at The Chantric Inn in Napa. Then we will be boarding the wine train and go on adventure through many-a-vineyards. I’ll probably get all bro-y with a guy who wears socks with sandals and Danielle will probably fall in love with some little flower girl she saw getting ready for a wedding. Dinner at Bottega for Piedmontese Beef Rib-Eye sherry vinegar-honey glazed shallots, truffle-parmigiano fries

Day 7: Rise and Repeat. Mustards for a Mongolian Pork Chop.

Day 8: The sad day. Upon our check-out I’ll drive 55mph on the freeway back to the city. Not because I won’t want it to end yet but because I just like to drive slow… why speed, there’s no rush! We’ll get to the airport and realize we forgot to check-in online and get C boarding.

I’m not sure if I’ll have sig on my beeper in the deep and dark jungles of California, so please don’t get mad if we don’t call you back right away and call you from the pay-phone bank. I apologize ahead of time if checkin more than 5x a day and post mobile uploads more than 3x a day. Anything less than that, you’ll just have to hide me from you feeds. Keep us in your prayers and that I let loose a little bit, otherwise I may not come back with all of my limbs intact.

10 Day Wedding Forecast

It has been a little over a year since I proposed and the wedding planning began. Now we are officially 10 days out of the official wedding activities commencing. As the Las Vegas weather has been heating up, so has the wedding. Right now the forecast for the ceremony and reception time is 77, sunny, and no wind. This is ideal weather for an outdoor evening wedding in Las Vegas, so please keep the current forecast in your prayers for us.

For the last few months everyone has been asking “has it hit you yet”? “Are you nervous”? And I can honestly say that for the first time “Yes, it has hit me and yes I am nervous.” (Gasp!)

Now wait a tick… “I’m not nervous to be married, I’m nervous to get married” (big difference) a phrase I have coined as of late. Danielle and I knew we would get married a long time ago and nothing has changed on that front whatsoever, so this is not a case of cold feet. It’s more that more anxious and excited feeling that has us nervous. After over a year of planning, both of us are ready for it to be here already and to be relaxing getting all loopy wine drunk in Napa.

Maybe it’s because we have so much time invested in the wedding that we want everything to go as we see it in our heads that has me a little nervous but most of the butterflies derive from the performance factor of the wedding. All eyes are on us. With every tear and every beer there will be 300 eyes (150 pairs of eyes, no Cyclops invited) watching. I can’t go to the bathroom for a “pee/tweet” without anyone noticing.

I know 85% of the families in attendance will be hysterically crying and I just don’t want to be part of that population. I’m good for a few salty tears on my behalf, I just want to keep them to solid “man tears.” Welled-up eyes with a little overflow is cool, I just don’t want to have a whimpering lip sucking in and out while I’m reciting my vows.

After literally hundreds of hours licking envelopes, hot-gluing, folding, sticking, stuffing, and fluffing we are ready for it just to happen. All of the arts and crafts sessions are done, the alterations have been made, the tastings have been sampled (devoured by me), all of the payments have been made, and we can finally hear the faint sound of auto-tuned wedding bells off in the distance.

We have done everything we could have possibly done over the last year or so and now it is just a waiting game. Luckily we will be busy breaking down Danielle’s classroom, entertaining incoming guests, and setting up the actual wedding itself to keep us from going stir-crazy at night, after we have been in over-drive for the last few months. We are ready to see all of our hard-work paid off by enjoying it and soaking it all in with the short allotted amount of time we have.

And that’s the most important thing. That we don’t worry about friends doing something dumb in their drunken stupor, not to worry if a bridesmaid is 15 minutes late to pictures, and not to get pissed if I’m in the bathroom when “Teach me how to Douggie” comes on (which very well could ruin my whole night, R.I.P. M-Bone). The most important thing is that we enjoy our wedding and make the best of it while it is happening because it will pass even faster than we think.

It is crazy how fast time as flown in the last 4+ years and we are so excited to open the next chapter of our “Choose Your Own Scare” Goosebumps book. I’m not sure if there will be a blog next week with all the hosting we will be doing this weekend but there will for sure be a post-wedding and honeymoon blog and maybe a special limited/members-only edition next month (God-willing).

MDW2011: The Best 3.5 Day Weekend this Month

I knew it was going to be a successful Memorial Day Weekend when I left the office early and the first song on the radio was the “Thong Song.” Sisqo just has such a way with words and it really kicked off my  MDW2011 the right way. “She had dumps like a truck truck truck, Thighs like what what what, Baby move your butt butt butt,” I mean that kind of lyricism just doesn’t come around every day.

With this blog, I would like to highlight the fun and eventful weekend. With the afternoon off on Friday I made myself useful by doing a little groomsmen gift shopping. I have always been a creative gift giver but I really have outdone my usual work this time by incorporating a little arts and crafts touch. I didn’t actually craft it myself but the idea dawned on me to contract the crafting out to Danielle.

After a long afternoon of getting in and out of a hot car (the thing I hate most in this world) it was time for a little PTI with @MrTonySays and Insanity with @shaunTfitness. Then I mashed on some bomb Seafood Ravioli from Salvatore in honor of the wise Nicholas H. Wesling’s graduation. With the carbs I needed to ignite it was time to perform by welcoming the lovely Emily Beckman, Lance Agostino, and their other roommate to the neighborhood with the house-warming present of our presence.

With a good night’s rest and morning workout under my belt it was time to shower for the shower. I believe it was Nicole Minaj that said it best with “I’m not lucky, I’m blessed.” We are very blessed to have friends like CJ Morley and Katie Ford who threw the shindig for us and very blessed to have many friends with such quality taste in movies that they were so nice to pass on to us. Thank you, all of you!

Unfortunately, Saturday’s and Saturnight’s activities left me out of commission Sunday morning and I was too lazy to go to church, which I regret. The afternoon was spent and grillin’ and chillin’ poolside as I showed off my Bobby Flay skills with burgers, ribs, and pork loin. I have always thought he should open a restaurant called “Flayvor.” Doesn’t that make sense? I feel like it too perfect and too obvious not to take advantage of.

Then comes Memorial Day… the whole reason for the weekend’s activities. A day to remember the soldiers of the past and pray for the soldiers of the present as they keep us safe all over the world. We went and met the fam at GVR pool and scoped out some good photo opps for the pre-wedding.

We then got our “liberal” on and spent some time hugging trees and walking around Whole Foods at Town Square in our Teva sandals trying the free flaxseed samples before a quick flick. I highly recommend you pick up some Aussie licorice there next time and sneak it in next time you decide to go to Rave. Aussie Licorice is the Parmigiano-Reggiano of the Anise-flavored product line and makes Twizzlers Pull N’ Peel look like string cheese.

The Hangover was an amazing and groundbreaking movie for our generation and others to revel at and quote for the last 2 years. That being said, any proposed sequel is going to have a tough time comparing to its predecessor. I don’t think anyone would say it was better and I think it is a knee-jerk reaction to say it sucked. I think it lacked creativity as it was an Thigh-version of the first movie, Alan didn’t have as many good one-liners, and the “shock and awe” factor was used less frequently and efficiently.

If the first movie had never existed I think people would have loved the second as a stand-alone movie. No one went in thinking it was going to be better than the first and it still ended up being the highest grossing R-rated Memorial Day movie EVER! I personally would recommend it and think it could have fared better if it were titled “The Hungover” but that’s just me.

The weekend was capped off with a Turkey Fatburger and a little bloggage, which you are now reaping the benefits of. I’m getting married in less than 3 weeks and will be doing mildly important to highly important things every day from here on out and next week I’ll blog expressing my nerves with the 10-day forecast… (cliffhanger) dun dun dun!

Teach me how to Twitter, Teach me, Teach me how to Twitter

That video has no relevance to this blog, I just thought I’d try to get everyone in a good mood Monday morning because you can’t not watch this video and not want to #shuffleatwork. If you haven’t noticed lately I have been throwing #ahashtahgonjustaboutanythingandeverything. I’m not stupid and think that it works on Facebook comments, most of my #motivation derives from wanting to piss of @Shukis.

I’ve had a Twitter account for a years but have used it sparingly, not seeing a need for it. I always appreciated its perks of trending topics, following cool people, and retweeting but it wasn’t until the “Facebook to Twitter linkage” capability became available that I really started to utilize it.

As a society, we strive for appreciation and recognition. Facebook acts a forum for people to post whatever they want and have their friends like, bicker, and boast all in one box. Whereas, Twitter was more of a place for straight self-branding with less room for feedback, which is we why post things anyway. If we didn’t want people to see it we wouldn’t post it and we would all be writing in diaries.

You could always “favorite” a tweet, reply, and retweet but those features weren’t as popular as liking and commenting on Facebook. There are a Half Billion people on Facebook so the odds of someone interacting with you are much higher than on Twitter. Twitter is a little more niche, a little more confusing, and took a longer time for people to pick-up on.

I’m all about the here and now, the 15 minutes of fame, and reflecting back on the semi-nostalgic things I can make jokes about that were cool five years ago but really lame now (see Fallout Boy). Twitter provides a great platform for me to conjure up these figments of our recent past and poke fun at how they are no longer relevant.

Most of us peasants have followers that are very similar to our Facebook friends and bots, so why would we post something Facebook for all to see, then go to Twitter and post the very same thing for pretty much the same people to see the same exact thing? But being on a first-handle basis with the world’s most influential people gives us a personal experience that Facebook has yet to conquer.

Twitter gives me that little glimmer of hope that someone like Tony Kornheiser (@MrTonySays) or Gary Vaynerchuk (@garyvee) might catch a glimpse and appreciate one of my @Mackinisms, adopt it virally, spike my followage, and ultimately enable me to become an international social media superhero.

I also recently got a Droid which has allowed me to sync all my accounts much easier than before on the MackBerry. I used to be addicted to the CrackBerry but now I have caught Tydroid (like Typhoid). With everything N* Sync I have am able and willing to post freely, whereas in the past I was willing but less able. Now I’m tweeting, blogging, posting, and check-ining with no regard whatsoever as to how annoying it can be.

How bout Justin’s pants? I remember watching that performance on the Disney Channel right before “Brink.” I used to think Twitter was a fad and I still am not 100% convinced it will be around forever. I think Facebook is eventually going to take over the world with “Branch Out” (Facebook’s Linked in), “Deals” (Facebook’s Groupon), and eventually incorporating a viable music competitor with iTunes or Music Beta.

However, I don’t necessarily think that becoming the Wal-Mart of socialnomics is a good thing. It is a new thing that is still changing everyday and they all have a ridic-a-lic-a-lous amount of room to grow. (I know I’m going back to posting too many videos that I’m probably the one thinks are funny but PLEASE watch this video! It is my second favorite 90s movie, behind “Matilda.”)

The 53rd Annual Grammy Awards Recap

Most Mondays I like to start off with a “My Life Monday” but with nothing Earth-shattering or ground breaking happening in my life over the weekend, I thought I would give a review of last night’s Grammys. After all the dust has settled and the rumors of the after-parties are swirling, some people may actually forget there was an actually an award show last night.

So, I feel it is my patriotic duty to provide a quick recap for all those who forgot what happened or went to bed early. This blog will focus less on the writing format and will be in more of a play-by-play format, so that you can read the blog in a few minutes.

What a better way to open up the show with a real soulful woman, Aretha Franklin. Jennifer Hudson looks great! I guess Weight Watchers really does work and I’m just glad Christina Augilera got the words right even though she took a little spill still. I bet she could make me some bomb chicken and waffles too. Ricky Martin wore silver pants, typical.

Lady Gaga disgusts me! I’m sorry I just cannot stomach her. Only she would perform a song called “I was born this way” while wears horns implanted into her shoulders and forehead. Yeah, that’s not hypocritical. Her backup dancers looked like a bunch of WWF Golddusts.

Miranda Lambert is good, she just not my cup of tea. I can’t believe Lenny Kravitz cut the dreads! Muse scares me. B.o.B. is the homie and a lot more than just a rapper. Did anyone else notice that Bruno Mars and the Janelle Monet have the same hair-do? They probably get their coke from the same dude too. The Mo-town flare on “Grenade” was unique and good because I was getting sick of hearing that song in its original version. Janelle Monet was cute I guess but I prefer me some Willow Smith though. I love me some Mo-town.

Guess who? Jaden Smith with leopard skinny jeans, he is friggin adorable! I want to rent him as my future son. Justin Bieber is talented I don’t care what people say about how manufactured he is. Will, Jada, and Willow clapping almost brought a tear to my eye watching their son/brother during his first performance. Usher is so wack with his same dance moves from when he did my way.

Muse is cool I guess they’re the only rock band who I actually knew had an album out this year. Selena Gomez is cute, I just hope she stays innocent and doesn’t get corrupted by the Lindsay Lohans of Hollywood. And presenting with Donnie Wahlberg probably isn’t the best start. Then handing off the Grammy to Lady Caca (as I like to call her) doesn’t help either, I just hope whatever it is that Lady Gaga has, isn’t contagious. It all makes sense now that she looks up to Whitney Houston even though her new stuff is ripped off Madonna.

The lead singer of Mumford and Sons looks exactly like Tim Tebow! I almost did a double-take but then remembered that Tim Tebow isn’t emo. The Grammys is a big step up for the Avett Brothers, their last Las Vegas performance was at the Silverton, literally. I didn’t even know Bob Dylan was still alive but apparently “he aint gonna work for Maggie’s Pa no more. So, I guess that shows how musically diversified I am.

Clay Matthews is a beast! Lady Antebellum is one of few country artists I know of and like, (probably because they are crossover artists) anyway, their performance was good and the really cleaned up on awards. Miley Cyrus’ “country roots” weren’t the only things that were showing with Kings of Leon. Jamie Foxx had a Grammy and Oscar!

Who knew? Cee-lo has the most annoying voice in music and he wore the most ridiculous outfit I have ever seen. He looks like the love child of Scott Steiner and a peacock with his muppet band. Gwyenth Paltrow was surprisingly good and she was even better in “Country Strong,” good thing she didn’t fall off the piano.

Katy Perry’s voice isn’t great but she is nice to look at so I give her performance a B+. You can tell she started off probably the singer for a rock band and whoever discovered her said “lose the guys with the ripped jeans and tattoos, we have back-up dancers with N* Sync choreography for that.” She had a Powerpoint presentation of her wedding behind her while performing, which was cool I thought. She should have done “Teenage Dream” with Keenan Cahill, that would have been really smart.

“Jolene” performed by Keith Urban, Johnny Depp’s stunt double, John Mayer, and Norah Jones for Dolly Parton was pretty good. It had some fancy guitar playing that I appreciated. Seth Rogen has broken the curve of going from fat to skinny while remaining funny, a task hard to overcome in Hollywood.

Rihanna has looked better but she is still my RiRi. Adam Levine from Maroon 5 on the keys was a nice touch to performance. Eminem went H.A.M. as usual and I’m glad he finally stopped wearing super baggy pants. I would love to see him in a nice suit (no homo). I hate to say it but Dre needs to stay behind the scenes from now on, instead of on stage. He looked like Pro Bowler and ESPN Analyst, Marcellus Wiley up there.

Jewel looked pretty and I never really like John Legend, I don’t know why. Who is Esperanza Spalding? JB or Drizzy Drake should have won best new artist, but that is just me. Mick Jagger is legendary but when it comes to drug-ridden, rock and roll lead singers with wide mouths, Steven Tyler has my vote. Mick’s tapping of his right foot was to a completely different beat of his left foot, it just didn’t do it for me. Barbara Streisand is well Bobra. That’s enough about her! Nicki Minaj just has balls and that’s why I like her and her hair helmet.

Detroit stand up! I’m happy Eminem won best rap album because he is a handsome man even though I’m partial to my boy HOVA, who sadly wasn’t in attendance. P. Diddy is officially the goofiest dude in hip hop, I feel uncomfortable for him, he tries way too hard and just needs to give it up.

Now, that’s the RiRi I like, no one does the knee wiggle dance better. If anyone knows where she got the African drummers from, let me know because I wanna book them for my wedding. J-Lo looks good as always even though Marc Anthony looks like her cracked out little brother.

I’m going to be honest, I had no idea who Arcade Fire was prior to Jason Siegel introducing them and I wish it would have stayed that way. I have never been so happy to have been blinded by flashing strobe lights during a musical performance. I just thank God that Matt Hoffman and the other BMX riders weren’t hurt. I don’t know how they won album of the year! Either it was rigged, or I have been living under a rock for the last year.

I am not the most cultured person when it comes to music but I would like to think that when something is new and interesting that I can give credit where credit is due. With all of the resources the academy had available to them, I thought the collaborative performances seriously lacked creativity. All in all,  I would give this year’s Grammys a C+.

Top Ten Super Bowl Commericals of All Time

Lately, I have been trying to limit the amount of videos embedded into the format but with this blog is it kind of inevitable. It would be pointless to talk about the Betty White Snickers commercials and then show a picture of her in her knit sweater. This Super Bowl had a lot of build up with the two most storied franchises in the NFL, being played in the house that Jerry built, and having over 103,000 fans in attendance and over 100,000,000 watching abroad.

With so much attention being drawn to a few hours of television programming, the bar was set pretty high for the commercials to live up to. I think this is what had people saying the commercials this year weren’t so great. Of the 100,000,000 I bet 30,000,000 were less interested in the game and more in the commercials/social aspect of the game, thus having more commercial critics than ever. However, there have been many other good ones over the course of the years and it is these ads that I would like to pay homage to.

10. Doritos – Snack Attack Samurai: This year we were shocked early with Doritos’ finger suckin’ ad which was more uncomfortable than good, whereas last year’s ad was pure humor. It had multiple funny elements including the commentary, funny 80s workout ensembles, and of course the Snack Samurai at the end (which I think would have been a great 2010 Halloween costume).

9. Dockers – I Wear No Pants: You can never go wrong with awkwardly funny guys with beards. Maybe we assimilate them to Allen from “The Hangover” but they are even more funny when they are singing in their tighty whiteys. This commercial even had the subliminal message that men need to be men and everything that goes with being a man, like wearing Dockers…

8. Old Spice – The Man Your Man Could Smell Like: Many Super Bowl commercials run once during the game and are stuck on Youtube for the remainder of their media life. However, this Old Spice ad was able to transcend stereotypes and was burned into our brains for all of 2010 with consistent runs throughout the year becoming the most popular commercial of the year.

7. Doritos – House Rules: Short and sweet is sometimes the best way to go with commercials. Simplicity is key and it keeps you wanting more as you were shocked, laughed, and now it’s over and back to watching Christina Aguilera ruin the National Anthem. I wouldn’t be surprised if you catch this kid showing up in movies or Tyler Perry shows within the next few years either, so keep an eye out.

6. Career Builder – If you hate going to work: Then again, emphasis on repetition can be funny too. The first few reals were ok but the commercial really picks up speed when the Koala bear enters stage right. Seeing a stuffed Koala bear with glasses, get hit in the face spilling his coffee all over his pouch is nothing short of genius. Whoever thought of that for the commercial is a true patriot for giving people a mnemonic device (memory aid) to help them look for a new job and for that I salute you, Career Builder.

5. Chrysler 200 – Imported from Detroit: Speaking of America… Nothing says America like good old hard work and enguinity. And there is no city that better represents these qualities better than Detroit, which ironically enough is a French word meaning “strait” (which is neither here nor there). Eminem’s trademarked stoneface and the baseline for “Lose Yourself” playing in the background bring in the seriousness to the ad that you forget it even about a car and makes you want to cop that ish like Missy Elliot. Then if it wasn’t good enough already there is a black choir at the end, and you could throw a black gospel choir in just about anything for immediate chills.

4. Etrade – Baby Girlfriend: This commercial was the spawn of the many Etrade baby commercials (pun intended, get it? Babies? Spawn? No) and if you ask me it was the best by far. Talking babies have been funny ever since “Look Who’s Talking” and they will always be funny. The commercial also gets it point across with their key phrases: portfolio diversification, volatility in the market, and milkaholic.

3. Budweiser – Wassup: This commercial was an enabler. It enabled the goofy white guys of 2003 to think that they were hip and funny by quoting this commercial. A white guy in pleated khakis doing an impression of Lil Jon is not cool nor is it funny. This was one of those instances in which you were laughing at the guys who quoted the commercial more so than laughing with them. True. True.

2. Reebok – Terry Tate Office Linebacker: Before Reebok ZigTech hit the market, this was the last cool thing Reebok did. A smart commercial with sports references can never fail during the Super Bowl. Big Hits and profanity sit well with football fans and this ad sat with us for a while afterward. I only wish I was in the workforce when this aired to see people talk about this commercial at the office water cooler, looking over their shoulders for their own Terry Tate Office Linebacker. Here is an extended version of the original for extended viewing pleasure.

1. Budweiser – Frogs: This commercial was the “Joe Camel” for beer. It introduced drinking to people of all ages, including minors. It had amphibians of which we were learning how to dissect and it probably embedded thoughts into our heads early on that drinking beer was cool and fun. Maybe I am reading way to far into it but this commercial that has nothing but toads croaking was generational in that we correlate this commercial to one of our first remembrances of alcoholic advertising and it is still talked about today (See: slippery slope).

Doppelgänger Week 2011

Doppelgänger: ˈdä-pəl-ˌgaŋ-ər, definition: a ghostly counterpart of a living person. This simple German phrase took the Facebook by storm last year and it is bound to blow up even bigger this year. It is the one week of the year where people all over the world change the profile picture to the person or celebrity that people tell them they look like, they think they look like, or the person they wish they looked like.

I have been waiting for Doppelgänger Week on the Facebook for some time now for multiple reasons. The first being I am old and with age comes less frequent pictures. I need a new profile picture and haven’t had very many candid moments that were captured on film. The second reason is that I am a huge creeper and like to see the choices by some people for their ghostly counterpart, both accurate and aspirationaL.

I get it, I mean no one wants to put a picture of someone who us uglier than them for their Doppelgänger but at the same time we as a society don’t want to come off as conceited by putting up a picture of Brad Pitt and Meghan Fox because they have the same hair color. I think they whole idea of Doppelgängers should just be changed to good-looking celebrity that we maybe kinda look like and wish we looked like more.

I also feel like I have a knack for saying who assimilating people to their Doppelgänger and solicited my services on the Facebook yesterday. 5 lucky contestants were chosen as I will try to match them up with a fair Doppelgänger. I know now that some will be better than others but you can be the judge and let me know how well you think I did. First up is model/actor/red-shirt quartback/fraternity brother, Zack Kay.

Channing Tatum

Wow, I really feeling gay right now. To his credit, Zack’s a good lookin’ dude but then again he is wearing Ed Hardy so you have to dock some points but I think my choice was pretty good. Next, up is an even bigger hunk. Your Student Body President, Mr. David Rapoport.

Stephen Colbert/Bob Saget

That one was tough! I was Google imaging Colbert for a while and then tried some others including Bob Saget and settled with this picture. I was looking for younger pictures of both of them but it was tough for these two to look as young and presidential as D-Rap does. Now for a lady. Caity Brewer is a San Diego native so I tried to stick with the So-Cal beachy theme…

Kate Bosworth

Girls are a lot harder than guys I think but the one in the middle from “Blue Crush” is close enough. Next up is Senor Santana. Santana is conveniently the man of many faces. He has a Doppelgänger for just about everyday of the week but I am going to stick to just Monday-Thursday.

Brian Wilson

Silent Bob

Kenny Powers

Lance Agostino

Doppelgänger week has to be such a fun week for a man with such facial versatility to go with his cunning wit. He should be an international man of mystery. Last but not least is fellow blogger-extraordinare, Topher Abelarde.

Vinny Chase (short hair)

Toph was the hardest of all of them, so I chose the picture with goggles to act as an optical illusion, thus validating my choice more. http://cabelarde.wordpress.com/

All of these were chosen at their discretion but without their input. They were completely objective and I was not influenced in any way by Cam Newton’s father, Cecil. Obviously, some are better than others but I can’t win em all. If you would like to featured in the Doppelgänger next year please make it known now as seats are filling up and they are projected to be sold out by 1/31/12, so make sure you get yours fast.

American Idol/Live to Dance

That’s right “American Idol” is back and celebrating its 10th season in commission. The show that has people of all shapes and sizes glued to the TV January-May is back on Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8pm on the channel where news is fair and balanced, FOX. I had to throw a little plug in there (even though they are just as biased as the liberal networks).

Anywho, Seacreast and your dog and mine, Randy Jackson, are back but with some new plastic surgery ridden faces. My dude, Ellen, had a short and sweet stint on Idol and is over so she can concentrate on shopping for cardigan sweaters and khaki pants. Our favorite villain, Simon Cowell has decided to retire from his tough job of telling people they were “dreadful” so he can continue to perooze and galavant around Britain and Lake Las Vegas (just as long he wasn’t foreclosed on like the rest of the community) with his adult film star lady friends.

Kara DioGuardi also will not return to the Kodak Theatre this season as she will further her pursuits of writing music and coug-ing around. And thank God Paula Abdul was not asked to return after a season off. While some people found her pleasant, Idol found her salary wasn’t so high it was the clause in her contract requesting that her insurance plan require extensive prescriptions for medicines. Plus she has smaller fish to fry on her new show “Live to Dance,” that we will get to later.

With these star-studded celebrity judges pursuing other endeavors, how will the reality show be able to compensate with a level of credibility as well as star power? Idol thinks they have assembled a team headed up by Aerosmith front man, Steven Tyler. They feel that the spider monkey look-a-like will be able to judge with a sense of experience, while also being able to fill Simon’s shoes with wit and brashness.

If his credibility isn’t enough, Idol really brings the heat with by bringing on a former “In Living Color” back-up dancer? That’s right Jenny from the block, who is more famous for her hind parts than her vocal chords, will be judging the contestants on their ability to sing. We can only hope for some fireworks from her as I’m sure she is bound to get her fair share of criticism of whether or not her opinions should hold water. However, I think we all liked this song…

With these high-powered personalities invading our evenings, this season of Idol has the makings for plenty of awkward drama and drama = laughter for me at least. I could really care less if they find the next singing sensation, as I am more concerned with the next viral hits like “Pants on the Ground,” William Hung, and these other characters.

With Paula Abdul not there to make people feel better about sucking at singing she had gone back to her roots of telling people they suck at dancing where she actually has some credibility in the field. Her new show “Live to Dance” has kicked off its first season Wednesday nights on CBS at 8pm. The season is already well into its 2nd round of semi-finals ( I know I was shocked too).

From the one episode that I have seen, it seems as though LTD is a combination of “American’s Got Talent,” “Americas Best Dance Crew,” “So You Think You Can Dance,” and “General Hospital.” Paula Abdul and two other nameless judges scour the country searching for the next big thing in dance. Whether it is a solo, pair, or full crew, the contestants are judged on their uniqueness and level of difficulty.

I don’t really know what the reactions or ratings of this show look like nor do I care really. I think the show sucks as it isn’t half as good as its derived shows. And not even being half as good as “America’s Got Talent” means it must really suck to me. The show is kind of like a roller coaster for someone who thinks they have motion sickness issues. You don’t think you’ll like it but you have to give it a whirl just to validate your preconceptions of getting sick.

So, watch the show once or better yet DVR it so you can fast forward through the shows and catch the commercials and take your ratings elsewhere to “American Idol” where the first round auditions are bound to produce a few laughs and maybe hook you for the remainder of the season like Carrie Underwood hooked me. Ladies, insert tears here…

Mackin out.

Astrology is a Bunch of Hocus Pocus

I was just talking to someone this week about how I think astrology is a bunch of malarkey and this further illustrates my argument. Astrology is based on pre-Babylonian times where people based their lives off the positioning of the stars forming constellations. Our signs are then based on the Earth’s axis in relation to the fixed stars in the sky.

The idea that everyone born in a particular month or season has the same traits has always been absolutely ridiculous to me. To think that the hundreds of millions of people who are born within the same time and place of birth are born with the same astrological genes is a bunch of poopoo caacaa. Astrologers (aka fictitious fibbers) say that people born in the same astrological period are born with the same astrological genetic qualities.

What does this mean? It supposedly means that they all have the same astrological genetic code in that the people should act alike to a certain extent. The cover their asses by saying it is all subject to change by their social environment and how their lives are molded. Well, obviously not everyone who is born within the same astrological alignment is going to live their life with the same social and physical interactions as everyone else.

So, basically it is form of witchcraft with no real proof of being true. There are two types of people who read their horoscopes: people believe the mumbo jumbo and subconsciously live their life according to whatever their horoscope says or people like me who read it and say “I do not do that, that is not me, that is a bunch of bullshit, now put the “US Weekly” down, we gotta go.”

And this week all of this deceitful science was proven to be a fallacy once again by another star sorcerer. This week it was found that eons ago a 13th astrological sign Ophiuchus was discarded because they wanted 12 months instead of the superstitious unlucky 13 months. These witches can brew up any potion they like and worship it like a religion. In fact, Libra didn’t even exist until the era of “Orange” Julius Caesar.

Apparently there has been a gravitational shift, throwing off the current astrological assignment and thus giving everyone a new astrological sign, a new stellar genetic code, and new horoscope. People who are now born in the starry month of Ophiuchus have a new way to live their life. And if astrologers are right they are forced to live their life that way and there is no way around it. Does this mean that everyone who once was in the age of Aquarius who aligned with those qualities and liked those qualities is now forced to forfeit their horoscope for that of a Capricorn, whether they like it or not?

Yep! I tried finding the “40 Year Old Virgin” version of this interpretive dance bet the embedding was disabled by request, whatever that means. The one good thing is that this has better odds for underage drinkers who try to get into the beer pong Tournament at Blondies on Tuesdays. They now an 8.3% better chance of trying to remember the sign of the person’s ID they found. So, I guess witchcraft is good for something…

So, now that all of our lives have dramatically changed without even asking for your permission you need to have your new horoscope before you go out into the world, so that you can be sure to live your life the way the stars tell you to. Here is your new horoscope and the new qualities  and characteristics that you were given. So, if anyone sees I sees you acting differently, they will know why…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ophiuchus

If you are concerned I suggest you make an appointment as soon as possible with a registered psychic or tarot card reader. With this being such a traumatic lifestyle change to most people there is a good chance they will be booked solid for the next month or so. Your best shot at really figuring your life out would be to call 98.5 KLUC Wednesday morning and try to get through so that you can talk to Psychic Gary Spivey.

Yes, this friggin guy is real. This is what the guy who can predict your future, get rid of all your demons, and make you feel warm all over actually looks like. If you believed in astrology and psychics before reading this blog, I pray that after seeing the picture of this douchelord has changed your opinion and God Bless you.