I was just talking to someone this week about how I think astrology is a bunch of malarkey and this further illustrates my argument. Astrology is based on pre-Babylonian times where people based their lives off the positioning of the stars forming constellations. Our signs are then based on the Earth’s axis in relation to the fixed stars in the sky.

The idea that everyone born in a particular month or season has the same traits has always been absolutely ridiculous to me. To think that the hundreds of millions of people who are born within the same time and place of birth are born with the same astrological genes is a bunch of poopoo caacaa. Astrologers (aka fictitious fibbers) say that people born in the same astrological period are born with the same astrological genetic qualities.

What does this mean? It supposedly means that they all have the same astrological genetic code in that the people should act alike to a certain extent. The cover their asses by saying it is all subject to change by their social environment and how their lives are molded. Well, obviously not everyone who is born within the same astrological alignment is going to live their life with the same social and physical interactions as everyone else.

So, basically it is form of witchcraft with no real proof of being true. There are two types of people who read their horoscopes: people believe the mumbo jumbo and subconsciously live their life according to whatever their horoscope says or people like me who read it and say “I do not do that, that is not me, that is a bunch of bullshit, now put the “US Weekly” down, we gotta go.”

And this week all of this deceitful science was proven to be a fallacy once again by another star sorcerer. This week it was found that eons ago a 13th astrological sign Ophiuchus was discarded because they wanted 12 months instead of the superstitious unlucky 13 months. These witches can brew up any potion they like and worship it like a religion. In fact, Libra didn’t even exist until the era of “Orange” Julius Caesar.

Apparently there has been a gravitational shift, throwing off the current astrological assignment and thus giving everyone a new astrological sign, a new stellar genetic code, and new horoscope. People who are now born in the starry month of Ophiuchus have a new way to live their life. And if astrologers are right they are forced to live their life that way and there is no way around it. Does this mean that everyone who once was in the age of Aquarius who aligned with those qualities and liked those qualities is now forced to forfeit their horoscope for that of a Capricorn, whether they like it or not?

Yep! I tried finding the “40 Year Old Virgin” version of this interpretive dance bet the embedding was disabled by request, whatever that means. The one good thing is that this has better odds for underage drinkers who try to get into the beer pong Tournament at Blondies on Tuesdays. They now an 8.3% better chance of trying to remember the sign of the person’s ID they found. So, I guess witchcraft is good for something…

So, now that all of our lives have dramatically changed without even asking for your permission you need to have your new horoscope before you go out into the world, so that you can be sure to live your life the way the stars tell you to. Here is your new horoscope and the new qualities  and characteristics that you were given. So, if anyone sees I sees you acting differently, they will know why…


If you are concerned I suggest you make an appointment as soon as possible with a registered psychic or tarot card reader. With this being such a traumatic lifestyle change to most people there is a good chance they will be booked solid for the next month or so. Your best shot at really figuring your life out would be to call 98.5 KLUC Wednesday morning and try to get through so that you can talk to Psychic Gary Spivey.

Yes, this friggin guy is real. This is what the guy who can predict your future, get rid of all your demons, and make you feel warm all over actually looks like. If you believed in astrology and psychics before reading this blog, I pray that after seeing the picture of this douchelord has changed your opinion and God Bless you.


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