I wanna be an astronaut. No. When I get old I’m going to be such a gangster grandpa. As most alpha males want, I want to be able to provide for my future family so that they can live happily and worry free. I don’t want to get into the x’s and o’s as to how I am going to live my life from point A to point B but I do want to start talking about all the cool shit I’m going to do once I arrive at point B, retirement.
Ideally, I would like to say that I’m going to retire by the time I’m 30 like Mark Zuckerberg, but as optimistic as I am, I am also a realist. If I were able to retire prior to a 1/3 life crisis it would be due to something I didn’t plan on and for whatever reason I was blessed to do so. So, I will take my realism and mix it in a bowl with my competitive goals and go out on a limb and say I am going to retire at the ripe young age of 55.
At this point in my life, the nest will have been emptied, just as long as Brooklyn doesn’t live in the basement till he’s 27. With the house all to ourselves, Danielle and I will be able to down grade the size of the house and move into a quaint home on a golf course. The profits from the real estate investment will go towards the grand children’s college fund.
I previously stated that I will be retired, that is partly true. I have a feeling that I’m going to be one of those old guys who just likes to work and has issues giving it up. So, when I’m not managing my own portfolio I will be working a crossing guard? A crossing guard?!?! Yes, I love kids and figured it would give me a break from listening to conservative talk radio during the afternoons (which I already do way too much and it is quite scary how fast I’m aging). All of the proceeds from this job will go to the charity of my choice at the time.
When I’m not pacing back and forth in a neon vest I will be working on my golf game. Due to my residence on a golf course I will be able to wake up at 6:00am and tee off by 6:30am, get a quick 9 in and be able to cross the kiddos by 9am. Hopefully by then I’ll be breakin a hundo and shootin double digit rounds. I then will head back to the house and have coffee and Captain Crunchberries with Danielle for breakfast while I read the paper.
Now, at this point there probably won’t be a physical paper but I’ll read whatever there is to read. And the Crunchberries will be my little daily treat that Doc will allow me to have because I will be keeping a healthy and active lifestyle. After breakfast I’ll catch up on my SportCenter and manage my fantasy teams. By this time I’ll probably be managing a fantasy NASCAR team as well. I then will partake in my afternoon nap to give me some energy before I had back to walk the little rascals back across the street.
When I get home from my second shift I will begin the prep work for my nightly dinner. At this point I will have become uber metrosexual with cooking and will prepare recipes out of then vintage Bobby Flay and Giada DeLaurentis cookbooks. After dinner, Danielle will do the dishes because I slaved over a hot stove all night. While she cleans up I’ll watch the evening news in 4-D (that exists in 2042).
Once Danielle finishes the dishes we’ll snuggle up on the couch for an exciting night of my programs ranging from “PTI” (still with Tony Kornheiser), “Jersey Shore” re-runs, and VH1’s “I loves the 2020s.” I’ll hit the sack every night by 9:00pm for my nightly bible reading like they do in “The Brady Bunch” to be well rested and ready for the Monday-Friday grind ahead.
The weekends will consist of “absolutely nothing” as my Dad says and a fair combination of traveling and staycationing just to be back in time for Monday morning golf. If you have any suggestions or substitutes for my retiremental lifestyle I would be happy to take them or any stocks that I can buy now for pennies a share that will be worth hundos per in 2042 😉