Top Ten NFL Coaches of All Time

With the few weeks left leading up to the “Big Game” (I have to say ‘Big Game’ because I am legally restricted from using the NFL trademarked name ‘Super Bowl,’ or at least that’s what all the commercials do) I would like to highlight the reason teams get to the Super Bowl (fuck it, no one reads this anyway) and go on to win the Super Bowl. That reason usually starts at the top with the Head Coach and filters its way down to a consistent defense and having a good running game.

With the NFL being a relatively new league around for only a few decades, the best coaches are held in a class of their own. They took America’s favorite sport in their particular region and made Ming Dynasties out of close to nothing. As always, my leaning toward modern era and bias towards and against some coaches will be in effect and all the more reason for you to debate their substantiality with me. Lights please… I give you the Top Ten NFL Coaches of All Time.

1o. Joe Gibbs: is synonymous with winning throughout the 80s and early 90s. He was an offensive minded coach who could come up with schemes that would make the best defenses go crazy. The dude won 3 rings for the Redskins and they have never been the same since he left the game for NASCAR. This alone almost got him kicked off the list. Even though his racing team is top-notch as well, it is still a bunch of hicks driving with their left blinker on for hours upon hours.

9. Tom Landry: Old school! It still gives me the willies putting him on the list seeing as though he is a Cowboys guy and he probably should be higher on the list but #9 is as high as I’m gonna go for a Cowboy. He’s got two rings and was a defensive mastermind. He had a lot of big dudes that were great at stopping the run. He could shove 11 guys in the box and still get away with it because he knew what his teams were capable of and what they weren’t. He knew they weren’t fast but were big and recognizing your abilities is one of the signs of a great coach. Not to mention he looked cool in a fedora.

8. John Madden: Probably had the best post-coaching career of anyone on the list through commentating and Electronic Arts. And kids who play his video games may not even know that he was one of the best coaches of all time. He somehow won a shitload of games for the worst franchise in history of sports and that stands for a lot more than Sean Payton getting lucky and winning one with a lot of under achieving players. However, Madden is not recognized enough for his consulting work done with the Giants, the Little Giants…

7. Bill Bellichick: I feel #7 is a good place for “The Hoodie” right now. When it is all said and done I feel he will easily crack the Top Five but for now I think his quiet ass is probably content with his position. He is soft-spoken but knows how to assemble talent better than anyone else. His coordinators all end up Head Coaches, not necessarily good ones, but Head Coaches nonetheless. This season was cut short but as long as Uggs are still keeping Tom Brady’s toes warm and safe, he has many a rings to fill up the rest of his phalanges.

6. Mike Ditka: Intangibles. He wasn’t the winningest coach of all time but he is one of the few coaches that would kick Mark Clayton’s ass if he had the chance. I can’t stand da Bears but to them, Ditka is as big if not bigger than Jordan in the Windy City. He’s the only guy on the face of the Earth that can make wearing a sweater vest tough and look cool, it was almost as though it was bulletproof.

5. Bill Parcells: “The Big Tuna” was actually given the nickname for his body shape and not his coaching abilities. Whether it is relevant or not is neither here nor there but he could scare the fins out of a player, literally (See he was the GM for the Dolphins and got rid of a lot of players). He knew exactly what to say to a player to get him to do what he wanted. He coached the shit out of my boy, LT, and I bet if he was still coaching him he wouldn’t be picking up 16 year old hookers and smoking crack.

4. Bill Walsh: He just looks like a nice Grandpa. Granted a lot of his success is due to Joe Montana and Ronnie Lott but he not only was a great coach, but he re-invented offense. He is the Founding Father of the West Coast Offense! How many of you have birthed a game-altering idea that wasn’t shot down on The Disney Channel’s “Z Games”? He was a successful player and coach and will forever be a legend in the Bay Area, even if some of their teams actually start winning.

3. Chuck Knoll: No, not Chuck Norris. Chuckie, I feel is, extremely underrated outside the city of black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow. He made the Steelers franchise into what I believe is the best franchise in football. “The Steel Curtain” is still imitated but never replicated and all of that credit is due to Chuck Knoll. He preached defense and demanded respect and that is what he got in return, defense and respect. It was almost as though even his offensive players had defensive mindsets.

2. Don Shula: The only coach ever to go perfect throughout the entire season and he has a great chain of steakhouses to prove it. He shares the face of the Phins franchise with Dan Marino and if it weren’t for Shula, Dan Marino would have been just another extra in “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” He exudes what a winner looks like and is full of class. His record of 347 wins doesn’t even begin to compare what he has done for the game and if it weren’t for him South Florida would be just another vacation wi-fi hot-spot, instead of the best football breeding grounds in the world.

1. Vince Lombardi: Jerry West is the logo and Vince Lombardi is the Trophy. Not only is he the namesake for the most coveted trophy in all of team sports but he is without a doubt the greatest NFL Coach of All Time. In a growing era for football in America, Vince Lombardi was the Head Coach, the GM, both coordinators, Groundskeeper, and team Doctor. If anything happened in the city of Green Bay he knew about it. He was known for his stern scowl, chain smoking, and his faith in God as he attended church every single morning before heading to the office (frozen tundra). He will forever be known as one of the best things that has ever happened to football and we all have him to thank for it.

NFL Playoff Predictions

The playoffs are here and you know what that means… A lot of research into picks and predictions that will never pan out. But that is what makes sports beautiful. If everyone who knew a lot about or studied matchups could easily predict the outcome then there would be no fun it watching the suspense of the game because you would know what happens anyway. And with America’s most popular sport heading into the post-season, America will be on the edge of their bar stools for the next month or so.

I try not to take these predictions or myself for that matter too seriously so please take these picks with a large grain of Kosher salt because Kosher salt is the best for grilling. Not to mention my preseason picks had the Vikings and the Cowboys in the NFC ship with the Cowboys winning it all. I’ll break down my possible playoff scenarios in hopes that they play out over time but there is a very good chance they won’t knowing that kickers still play a vital role in close games with their right futbol boots.

No. 6 New York Jets (11-5) at No. 3 Indianapolis Colts (10-6): I along with the rest of the world was spellbound by the Jets going into this season with the remainder of the hype from last season and from “Hard Knocks” and picked them to go to the AFC Championship this year. They are always teetering on the verge of cocky and arrogant rather than the air of confidence they try to exude. As clutch as Peyton is I think that injuries hurt them too much this year to find their Emperor’s Groove and Jets have just too much talent. Jets win 27-21.

No. 5 Baltimore Ravens (12-4) at No. 4 Kansas City Chiefs (10-6): I also picked the Ravens to play the Jets in AFC ship at the beginning of the year but I don’t know if that will still work out for them. I am still not convinced that the Chiefs have more than 12 fans. I think they ship in Oregon Duck fans for home games to make Arrowhead as loud as it gets. They lost to the Raiders twice and are inconsistent on defense. I think the Ravens could win playing one player at each level of defense. Suggs’ ugly mug rushing Cassel, Ray Lewis’ eye black breaking bones, and Ed Reed’s beard scaring receivers away. Ravens win 17-10.

No. 5 New Orleans Saints (11-5) at No. 4 Seattle Seahawks (7-9): As dumb as having a 7-9 Divisonal Champs sounds I am of the belief that the Seahawks deserve a spot in the offs. You play to win the game! Especially divisional games and you cannot take theirs away. That being said I think the Saints should have been given home field but whatever. I don’t know anything about their new Quarterback, Charlie Whitehurst, they have the worst running game in the NFL, but they do have the 12th man with their fans. Saints don’t have the “swagga like us” like last year with Breesy and Reggie Bush being injured much of the season. Saints win 35-21.

No. 6 Green Bay Packers (10-6) at No. 3 Philadelphia Eagles (10-6): This is my favorite game of the week. The Philadelphia Vick’s have an offense that is just fun to watch. Aaron Rodgers is old school quarterback who can sling it. I think DeSean Jackson is not a nice person. Clay Matthews looks like the Ultimate Warrior. I used to be a huge wrestling fan so I’m emotionally picking Green Bay to win even though I can’t fathom Vick losing this week in a real barn burner. Packers win 30-27.

No. 5 Baltimore Ravens (12-4) at No. 2 Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4): The Steelers are the best franchise in all of football and they win be handlin’ business on their bye week preparing for this game. These two defenses should provide for a lot of big hits, not a lot of mental mistakes, and I think it will all come down to quarterback play. Flacco has proven a lot in his young career but I don’t think it is enough to outshine Big Ben who has a lot riding on this game. The Steelers one flaw may be their receiving core but I think Big Ben will make it twerk. If Roethlisberger can stay out of bars this next week, Steelers win 24-17.

No. 6 New York Jets (11-5) at No. 1 New England Patriots (14-2): Tom Brady is just too Tom Brady for the Jets to win. He knows how to closeout games, especially when it’s cold because of his new Uggs endorsement. He is the epitome of a leader and should lead the Pats to the Promiseland. However, you never know what Jets team you’re going to get and I think they are a more talented team and if all their stars align they could steal a win. It will probably be snowing though, so it will probably be hard to see the stars. Patriots win 35-24.

No. 6 Green Bay Packers (10-6) at No. 1 Atlanta Falcons (13-3): I rooted for the Falcons all season with Michael Turner racking up fantasy points for me but I just don’t know if they have the WOW factor. If their offense was a stock portfolio they would be well diversified and low risk/low reward Mutual Fund. Green Bay has had a lot of injuries but just seems to win football games and the just look like the NFL and they excite me. Matty Ice is nice at home but I am not sure he is playoff tested yet and I am going with the upset. Packers win in a close one 30-27.

No. 5 New Orleans Saints (11-5) at No. 2 Chicago Bears (11-5): I cannot stand the Bears and am still shocked they are a playoff team. I feel like Jay Cutler pulls wins out of nowhere that leaves Bears fans shocked every game. I guess that is a good thing for them but I think he is whipped by Kristen Cavallari. As much as I would like to see him lose and see the Dem Saints “Who Dat’n” up and down Mardi Gras again this year but I just can’t go against the numbers. I hope I am wrong with this but Bears win 21-10.

No. 2 Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4) at at No. 1 New England Patriots (14-2): This is my Super Bowl. To me, this is the best two teams in the best conference going at it down after down. The best offense vs the best defense. The best offensive player in the game vs the best defensive player in the game. I don’t know how much water their game earlier this season holds but if this game happens it will be one for the ages. Defense wins championships and I think the Steelers have a competitive edge even against the smartest man to ever wear a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off in New England in December. Steelers win 21-14.

No. 6 Green Bay Packers (10-6) at No. 2 Chicago Bears (11-5): Teddy Bruschi likes the Packers and so do I. They seem to get better at something every week and hopefully by this time they will be talked about more than the Cowboys head coaching vacancy on SportsCenter. Adam Schefter reports that Jay Cutler doesn’t know if he can play because he has to pick Kristen up from the mall. He’ll show up right before game time and will get lit up by Clay Matthews just like last week as he shows him what real NFC North football looks like.

No. 6 Green Bay Packers (10-6) at No. 2 Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4): This Super Bowl has “Campbell’s Chunky Soup Commerical” written all over it. These teams just have girth, if I can say that in a non-sexual way. These two teams are so manly that they will make the half-time performers, The Black Eyed Peas, look like the Spice Girls. Then maybe they’ll have Pittsburgh native, Wiz Khalifa, perform “Black and Yellow” at halftime while “s-ing a b” instead and Green Bay can find some local polka band to perform on their behalf. I would eat a brat to this game as the Steelers win in “the house that Jerry built”  27-21. Yeeeeeah uh huh you know what it is!

Top Ten Quarterbacks of All Time

I know there is going to be a lot of room for debate on this Top Tensday Wednesday because this list could go many different ways but I do appreciate the mutual respect as it is my opinion and I don’t deserved to be lynched for not agreeing with all of you. That being said I encourage feedback pertaining to your differing discretions. Most of my lists tend to take a more modern spin and naturally so because I am obviously more familiar with my generation than I am with past.

This list will highlight the characteristics that make ten dudes ten of the best of all time at the most infamous position in all of sports. I mean there aren’t exactly people going around making lists for the best Left Tackles and best Punters of all time. It will take into account their collegiate, professional, and off the field skills as well. So without further a due, I give you my Top Ten Quarterbacks of All Time.

10. Joe Namath: Broadway Joe epitomized the position and was a great leader with great confidence. Dude would show up to games drunk and still drop 400 yards passing. His aura and mild arrogance gave him the mental edge that he may have lacked physically, as he was able to get in the opposition’s head by guaranteeing a win. If you ladies don’t recall his playing days you may be more familiar with this…

9. Kurt Warner: Now, even I know Kurt Warner is not one of the top ten but something compelled me to throw him a bone, he probably isn’t even in the top twenty realistically but whatever. He went from bagging groceries to wearing a Super Bowl ring in a matter of a few short years of which, I was at the game so I might be a little biased. He has amazing footwork as you have seen on DWTS, he throws wearing a receiver gloves which is tough because it gives a little tack to the ball and he is good Christian family man who I admire.

8. Troy Aikman: As much as I didn’t want to put a Cowboy on here I had to. It was either him or Roger Staubach so I went with Troy Aikman  for his commentating pros. He is one of my favorite analysts for his validity and high-level of experience. He is a Cali kid who adopted his redneck nature with his short stint at Oklahoma and obviously in Dallas. With help from Michael Irvin (The U) and Emmitt Smith he led Dallas to winning the title of America’s team which is currently up for grabs. And above all he just looks like a quarterback.

7. Johnny Unitas: Johnny U may have been the most talented quarterback of all time or at least that’s what NFL Films tells me. His “golden arm” was a hose and was actually clocked at throwing a football faster than an Andy Roddick serve. I made that up. He was a big part of “the best game ever played” between his Baltimore Colts and my New York Giants, where came out on top in sudden death. He also had a buttload of MVP’s between the many different football leagues there were at the time. He also is the inspiration for Spike’s haircut in “Little Giants.”

6. Tom Brady: The new spokesperson for Uggs and Justin Bieber haricuts was not always destined to date supermodels and live this rock-star lifestyle. He was drafted 199th overall in the 6th round by the Pats out of Michigan. He was drafted as a backup to Drew Bledsoe and surely passed him as he is one of the best pocket passers ever. He can’t move that well outside of the pocket but he has uncanny accuracy. I think if he ever leaves Boston for a flashier city then Dan Aykroyd and the guy from “Home Alone” would hunt him down and kidnap him like they did in “Celtic Pride.”

5. Peyton Manning: “Let’s go insurance adjusters! Let’s go”! He is probably the smartest quarterback of all time. He watches more video than an unemployed construction worker with a Redbox gift card. I love watching his big and clunky feet high step around the pocket as he drills passes down the middle of the field. I don’t know if it is sub-par receiving core this year or what but it seems as though he may be on the tail end of his career much like Kobe lol. He will probably be a good analyst and still has some great commericals, here are some of the best…

4. Dan Marino: The best quarterback to never win a ring. The best player to ever come out of Pitt. The best player to ever wear orange and teal. I wish he was on the undefeated 72 Dolphins team too but he probably wouldn’t have been able to play all the way through “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” then. He had ridiculous stat sheets that never will really matter and it is all Ray Finkle’s fault (saracsm font).

3. John Elway: The best thing that ever happened to Denver. I would have been happier if he would have stayed with the Yankees when they drafted him in 81 but “shoulda/coulda/woulda” right? It seemed like he was going to be the next Marino when he and Terrell Davis had a late run in their careers winning a few games with Mike Shanahan. I don’t really have much else to say about him, he’s kinda boring like most things out of Denver.

2. Brett Favre: Peyton was the smartest and Brett is by far the dumbest. I heard he used to break up fraternity parties in college, beat the shit out of all the brothers, and then throw his party in their house. He absolutely ruined his legacy several times by going to the Jets, made up for it a little bit by going to the NFC ship, and then ruined it again by stringing the Vikings along this year again. I lost a lot of respect for him with his selfishness both on the field and off the field.

1. Joe Montana: Or as some people know him – Joe Montaegna. He is the combination of all the preceding quarterbacks’ good characteristics. He had Brett’s gun, Elway’s rings, Dan’s stats, Peyton’s smartness, Brady’s accuracy, Johnny U’s build, Troy’s competition, Kurt’s kids, and Joe’s charisma. He did it all. He won it all. And now he has kids doing it all in his footsteps as he watches their games in his “Skechers Shape-ups.” Not to mention he played with Rudy at Notre Dame.