Top Ten NFL Coaches of All Time

With the few weeks left leading up to the “Big Game” (I have to say ‘Big Game’ because I am legally restricted from using the NFL trademarked name ‘Super Bowl,’ or at least that’s what all the commercials do) I would like to highlight the reason teams get to the Super Bowl (fuck it, no one reads this anyway) and go on to win the Super Bowl. That reason usually starts at the top with the Head Coach and filters its way down to a consistent defense and having a good running game.

With the NFL being a relatively new league around for only a few decades, the best coaches are held in a class of their own. They took America’s favorite sport in their particular region and made Ming Dynasties out of close to nothing. As always, my leaning toward modern era and bias towards and against some coaches will be in effect and all the more reason for you to debate their substantiality with me. Lights please… I give you the Top Ten NFL Coaches of All Time.

1o. Joe Gibbs: is synonymous with winning throughout the 80s and early 90s. He was an offensive minded coach who could come up with schemes that would make the best defenses go crazy. The dude won 3 rings for the Redskins and they have never been the same since he left the game for NASCAR. This alone almost got him kicked off the list. Even though his racing team is top-notch as well, it is still a bunch of hicks driving with their left blinker on for hours upon hours.

9. Tom Landry: Old school! It still gives me the willies putting him on the list seeing as though he is a Cowboys guy and he probably should be higher on the list but #9 is as high as I’m gonna go for a Cowboy. He’s got two rings and was a defensive mastermind. He had a lot of big dudes that were great at stopping the run. He could shove 11 guys in the box and still get away with it because he knew what his teams were capable of and what they weren’t. He knew they weren’t fast but were big and recognizing your abilities is one of the signs of a great coach. Not to mention he looked cool in a fedora.

8. John Madden: Probably had the best post-coaching career of anyone on the list through commentating and Electronic Arts. And kids who play his video games may not even know that he was one of the best coaches of all time. He somehow won a shitload of games for the worst franchise in history of sports and that stands for a lot more than Sean Payton getting lucky and winning one with a lot of under achieving players. However, Madden is not recognized enough for his consulting work done with the Giants, the Little Giants…

7. Bill Bellichick: I feel #7 is a good place for “The Hoodie” right now. When it is all said and done I feel he will easily crack the Top Five but for now I think his quiet ass is probably content with his position. He is soft-spoken but knows how to assemble talent better than anyone else. His coordinators all end up Head Coaches, not necessarily good ones, but Head Coaches nonetheless. This season was cut short but as long as Uggs are still keeping Tom Brady’s toes warm and safe, he has many a rings to fill up the rest of his phalanges.

6. Mike Ditka: Intangibles. He wasn’t the winningest coach of all time but he is one of the few coaches that would kick Mark Clayton’s ass if he had the chance. I can’t stand da Bears but to them, Ditka is as big if not bigger than Jordan in the Windy City. He’s the only guy on the face of the Earth that can make wearing a sweater vest tough and look cool, it was almost as though it was bulletproof.

5. Bill Parcells: “The Big Tuna” was actually given the nickname for his body shape and not his coaching abilities. Whether it is relevant or not is neither here nor there but he could scare the fins out of a player, literally (See he was the GM for the Dolphins and got rid of a lot of players). He knew exactly what to say to a player to get him to do what he wanted. He coached the shit out of my boy, LT, and I bet if he was still coaching him he wouldn’t be picking up 16 year old hookers and smoking crack.

4. Bill Walsh: He just looks like a nice Grandpa. Granted a lot of his success is due to Joe Montana and Ronnie Lott but he not only was a great coach, but he re-invented offense. He is the Founding Father of the West Coast Offense! How many of you have birthed a game-altering idea that wasn’t shot down on The Disney Channel’s “Z Games”? He was a successful player and coach and will forever be a legend in the Bay Area, even if some of their teams actually start winning.

3. Chuck Knoll: No, not Chuck Norris. Chuckie, I feel is, extremely underrated outside the city of black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow black and yellow. He made the Steelers franchise into what I believe is the best franchise in football. “The Steel Curtain” is still imitated but never replicated and all of that credit is due to Chuck Knoll. He preached defense and demanded respect and that is what he got in return, defense and respect. It was almost as though even his offensive players had defensive mindsets.

2. Don Shula: The only coach ever to go perfect throughout the entire season and he has a great chain of steakhouses to prove it. He shares the face of the Phins franchise with Dan Marino and if it weren’t for Shula, Dan Marino would have been just another extra in “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” He exudes what a winner looks like and is full of class. His record of 347 wins doesn’t even begin to compare what he has done for the game and if it weren’t for him South Florida would be just another vacation wi-fi hot-spot, instead of the best football breeding grounds in the world.

1. Vince Lombardi: Jerry West is the logo and Vince Lombardi is the Trophy. Not only is he the namesake for the most coveted trophy in all of team sports but he is without a doubt the greatest NFL Coach of All Time. In a growing era for football in America, Vince Lombardi was the Head Coach, the GM, both coordinators, Groundskeeper, and team Doctor. If anything happened in the city of Green Bay he knew about it. He was known for his stern scowl, chain smoking, and his faith in God as he attended church every single morning before heading to the office (frozen tundra). He will forever be known as one of the best things that has ever happened to football and we all have him to thank for it.

Top Ten Hockey Players of All Time

First of all, I would like to apologize for my Top Tensday Wednesday last week. I knew trying to rate bands and music that I rarely listened to was a shot in the dark and would like to apologize to anyone who felt discouraged by my attempt to broaden my horizons of music culture and writing abilities. However, I did appreciate the criticism (both constructive and not) and have put together a more versed and accurate list for this week.

I miss hockey. I wish I liked it as much as I used to when I was a kid. I remember a time around 4th/5th grade where I liked hockey more than football, basketball, and baseball combined. And during this era soccer wasn’t even on my radar outside of my gifted 1994 World Cup t-shirt. As most American hockey fans have, we have become less interested in hockey and more interested in football, basketball, and soccer.

However, within the last year the “working man’s” league has started a slow yet steady resurgence. Renewed rivalries, young superstars, and well-calculated marketing has brought hockey back almost to the point for ESPN to take “NHL Tonight” with John Buccigross and Barry Melrose off the shelves and put back on the air. And just in case they do I will be ready for their comeback with my correspondence and top ten hockey players of all time.

10. Sergei Fedorov: Sergei may not have made the list for being the 10th best hockey player of all time. But he has made the list for his contributions to the game and his era. He made the game fun and interesting to a younger generation of viewers in mid 90s. He played on the one of Hockeytown’s best teams with Stevey Y, Igor Larionov, Nicklaus Lidstrom, and Dominik Hasek (who I sat next to at the All-Star Game in Toronto). He claims he was married to Anna Kournikova (although her reps denied it, which I don’t know how you can allegedly be married but whatever). He was extremely fast, Russian, and brought a new style of finesse play that hockey was missing at the time.

9. Martin Brodeur: I feel Marty is the best goalie to ever wear an airbrushed helmet. You could easily make arguments for Patrick Roy, Dominick Hasek, or even for Ryan Miller to eventually top the list. But Marty has been doing it, and doing it, and doing it well in the league for 20 years and he’s still playing. He’s been a consistent wall for Canada in the Olympics both playing and as a mentor. He has spent his entire career in Jersey which if it weren’t for hockey would suck because come on it’s Jersey. He’s got 4 Vezinas, 2 Gold Medals, and has kissed Lord Stanley 3 times.

8. Jaromir Jagr: What do you think of when you see a Jofa helmet? Jaromir right? His game was in Czech! Get it? He’s from Czechoslovakia. Anyways, not only was one of the best players ever but also the right hand and right wing to Mario Lemieux. He had possibly the dirtiest mullet ever known to man, however he is a handsome man with his hair short and corporate-like. #68 has 2 cups, tons of records, Arts, Harts, and his only fault may have been his affinity for the adrenaline rush of gambling.

7. Mark Messier: Mess was my favorite player of all time. When the Rangers won the cup in 1994 and he held it up I cried and that is saying something because 7 year-olds don’t really cry happy tears. Him, Richter, and Leetchy brought home a long-awaited Cup for one of the greatest series ever. He came up with Wayne in Edmonton, branched off, and did the damn thing elsewhere. I was at his birthday dinner All-Star Weekend in Vancouver in 01 and it was a grand time. He’s a nice guy, old school, and no one rocked a bald head amidst a Cooper helmet better.

6. Ray Bourque: Hockey players are tough and they play forever if they want and Ray Borque was one of the toughest. He’s the not the only Boston defenseman on the list. He wasn’t the biggest guy or an enforcer but he was a great leader. #77 will forever be known as a Bruin but it took him going to Colorad(a) to win a cup and when he did there weren’t a whole lot of people who weren’t happy for him and it was one of the better moments in hockey. Put a sweater on because you are about to get chills.

5. Bobby Hull: Takin it back to the old school, cause he’s and old fool, who’s so cool. And if you wanna get down he’s gonna show you the way. Lefties were always a little qwerky, not Jared Loughner qwerky, just a little off and Bobby was the best at being a little nuts. Bobby and his Blackhawks were some of the toughest guys around. Not to mention he had good genes producing son, Brett (hockey legend), Bart (Boise State RB), and Blake/Bobby Jr. who played Juniors. He won a shitload of trophy’s but won the most expensive award in all of sports in only once in his 26 year career in 1961.

4. Bobby Orr: I probably know the least about Orr of anyone on this list so I had to bust out the archives for him. 8 NHL All-Star Games, 3 OHA First Teams, 8 NHL First Teams, Calder( ROY), 2 Ross Trophies, 8 Norris Trophies, 3 Hart Trophies, 2 Conn Smythes, Voted 2nd Best of All Time, Best Defenseman, Best Boston Athlete of All Time, and probably best known for this goal…

3. Gordie Howe: What is there to say about Mr. Hockey? He pretty much did it all. Cups, awards, and records. Most of which were broken by these next two guys but it doesn’t take back the fact that he did it and that he did it in a caveman’s era. He didn’t wear a helmet and did it from both sides of the rink. He was a right winger but presented issues for defensemen as he was ambidextrous. He played in Canada and in Hartford but it is only fitting that Mr. Hockey played and retired in Hockeytown. He is an ambassador to the game, a toothless gentleman, and a scholar. He makes Brett Favre’s career look like Terrell Davis’. His last season was Wayne’s first as it was extremely symbolic of his passing of the torch.

2. Mario Lemieux: Much like the preceding few players, Super Mario has countless records and awards that mean nothing when it comes to what he did for the city of Pittsburgh. He did his impression of Michael Jordan by retiring and “comin’ back like Jordan wearin’ the six six.” However, he has done what Jordan could not do, become successful in the front office, post-playing career. He has put together a cast of players to win a cup and as long as Sidney Crosby doesn’t get subsequent concussions there should be more for him to hold up as an executive. He is probably the best stick-handler ever and produced some of the best goals ever scored.

1. Wayne Gretzky: The Great One. He holds almost every offensive record. He is synonymous with the game. For people who don’t know or like hockey they know who Wayne is. He’s been in movies, commercials, and is the best to ever to play the game. It is even fair to say that Michael Jordan is the Wayne Gretzky of basketball because Wayne did that much for the sport. He took hockey mainstream with his boyish good looks and flashy play. He won with my Rangers, in Edmonton, and short stint in St. Louis but his glory days were with the Kings. No other hockey player could have had N.W.A. wearing an LA Kings hat. I mean you don’t see to man gangbangers rockin Columbus Blue Jacket jerseys. He like MJ isn’t the best in the office but whatever. His older son got lost in the shadow like Jeremy Jordan but his younger son is one of the better football prospects in the country playing with Will Smith and Joe Montana’s kids. The Great One.

Top Ten Quarterbacks of All Time

I know there is going to be a lot of room for debate on this Top Tensday Wednesday because this list could go many different ways but I do appreciate the mutual respect as it is my opinion and I don’t deserved to be lynched for not agreeing with all of you. That being said I encourage feedback pertaining to your differing discretions. Most of my lists tend to take a more modern spin and naturally so because I am obviously more familiar with my generation than I am with past.

This list will highlight the characteristics that make ten dudes ten of the best of all time at the most infamous position in all of sports. I mean there aren’t exactly people going around making lists for the best Left Tackles and best Punters of all time. It will take into account their collegiate, professional, and off the field skills as well. So without further a due, I give you my Top Ten Quarterbacks of All Time.

10. Joe Namath: Broadway Joe epitomized the position and was a great leader with great confidence. Dude would show up to games drunk and still drop 400 yards passing. His aura and mild arrogance gave him the mental edge that he may have lacked physically, as he was able to get in the opposition’s head by guaranteeing a win. If you ladies don’t recall his playing days you may be more familiar with this…

9. Kurt Warner: Now, even I know Kurt Warner is not one of the top ten but something compelled me to throw him a bone, he probably isn’t even in the top twenty realistically but whatever. He went from bagging groceries to wearing a Super Bowl ring in a matter of a few short years of which, I was at the game so I might be a little biased. He has amazing footwork as you have seen on DWTS, he throws wearing a receiver gloves which is tough because it gives a little tack to the ball and he is good Christian family man who I admire.

8. Troy Aikman: As much as I didn’t want to put a Cowboy on here I had to. It was either him or Roger Staubach so I went with Troy Aikman  for his commentating pros. He is one of my favorite analysts for his validity and high-level of experience. He is a Cali kid who adopted his redneck nature with his short stint at Oklahoma and obviously in Dallas. With help from Michael Irvin (The U) and Emmitt Smith he led Dallas to winning the title of America’s team which is currently up for grabs. And above all he just looks like a quarterback.

7. Johnny Unitas: Johnny U may have been the most talented quarterback of all time or at least that’s what NFL Films tells me. His “golden arm” was a hose and was actually clocked at throwing a football faster than an Andy Roddick serve. I made that up. He was a big part of “the best game ever played” between his Baltimore Colts and my New York Giants, where came out on top in sudden death. He also had a buttload of MVP’s between the many different football leagues there were at the time. He also is the inspiration for Spike’s haircut in “Little Giants.”

6. Tom Brady: The new spokesperson for Uggs and Justin Bieber haricuts was not always destined to date supermodels and live this rock-star lifestyle. He was drafted 199th overall in the 6th round by the Pats out of Michigan. He was drafted as a backup to Drew Bledsoe and surely passed him as he is one of the best pocket passers ever. He can’t move that well outside of the pocket but he has uncanny accuracy. I think if he ever leaves Boston for a flashier city then Dan Aykroyd and the guy from “Home Alone” would hunt him down and kidnap him like they did in “Celtic Pride.”

5. Peyton Manning: “Let’s go insurance adjusters! Let’s go”! He is probably the smartest quarterback of all time. He watches more video than an unemployed construction worker with a Redbox gift card. I love watching his big and clunky feet high step around the pocket as he drills passes down the middle of the field. I don’t know if it is sub-par receiving core this year or what but it seems as though he may be on the tail end of his career much like Kobe lol. He will probably be a good analyst and still has some great commericals, here are some of the best…

4. Dan Marino: The best quarterback to never win a ring. The best player to ever come out of Pitt. The best player to ever wear orange and teal. I wish he was on the undefeated 72 Dolphins team too but he probably wouldn’t have been able to play all the way through “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” then. He had ridiculous stat sheets that never will really matter and it is all Ray Finkle’s fault (saracsm font).

3. John Elway: The best thing that ever happened to Denver. I would have been happier if he would have stayed with the Yankees when they drafted him in 81 but “shoulda/coulda/woulda” right? It seemed like he was going to be the next Marino when he and Terrell Davis had a late run in their careers winning a few games with Mike Shanahan. I don’t really have much else to say about him, he’s kinda boring like most things out of Denver.

2. Brett Favre: Peyton was the smartest and Brett is by far the dumbest. I heard he used to break up fraternity parties in college, beat the shit out of all the brothers, and then throw his party in their house. He absolutely ruined his legacy several times by going to the Jets, made up for it a little bit by going to the NFC ship, and then ruined it again by stringing the Vikings along this year again. I lost a lot of respect for him with his selfishness both on the field and off the field.

1. Joe Montana: Or as some people know him – Joe Montaegna. He is the combination of all the preceding quarterbacks’ good characteristics. He had Brett’s gun, Elway’s rings, Dan’s stats, Peyton’s smartness, Brady’s accuracy, Johnny U’s build, Troy’s competition, Kurt’s kids, and Joe’s charisma. He did it all. He won it all. And now he has kids doing it all in his footsteps as he watches their games in his “Skechers Shape-ups.” Not to mention he played with Rudy at Notre Dame.