Good morning on another Top Tensday Wednesday. Today we will be analyzing the intricacies of the delicacie known as chips. Not poker chips, not England’s version of fries, not pieces of metal in a computer, but good ol packaged chips. They’re the things we eat an entire bag of when we’re drunk, the vessels we use to transport tasty dips into our oral hangers. They come in many different shapes, sizes, and flavors. They are made with potatoes, corn, and grains.

I consider myself to be a connoisseur of junk food and have made it a project of mine to be able to research, taste, and qualify the quality of chips from around the world. And this invaluable knowledge comes to you at no monetary cost whatsoever. As always, my taste buds will differ from yours and if they don’t then that is weird, but I encourage you to tip me on your chips. Lesssss Go!

10. Tostitos Hint of Lime: This is one of the newest additions my arsenal. I cannot believe I have gone 23 years without having a strong relationship with hummus. It is obviously made from beans but it has almost a smooth and creamy texture that resembles cheese and I love cheese. All thanks go towards Tostitos Hint of Lime or this partnership would not have been possible. It is your standard Tostito tortilla chip that comes with just the right amount of artificial lime flavoring without overpowering the chip and dip.

9. Cheddar and Sour Cream Ruffles: This chip is too fold because eating them hurts so good. The silky cheesy and sour creamy flavor powder melts in your mouth, while the sharp and jagged Ruffle pierces and bruises the roofs of our mouths. Eating these chips resembles eating piping hot Totino’s Pizza Rolls that burn and peel the tender flesh from inside our mouths. No pain no game though because these chips are worth leaving the roofs of our mouth feeling like popped bubble wrap. Just looking at these makes your mouth hurt right?

8. Barbecue Pop Chips: This innovative and technologically advanced snack is changing the snack world as we know it. It provides for a healthier alternative to the greasy potato chip. These chips are made from corn and baked until they crisp up and pop like a flat version of popcorn. The barbecue seasoning is then sprinkled over these beauts giving them a sweet and savory flavor profile similar a pulled pork sandwich.

7. Cooler Ranch Doritos: These are by far the most mysterious chip on the list. The base is the standard Dorito but it is th flavoring that had us ever since our lunch days in the multi-purpose room. The seasoning has specs of green, red, and BLUE? The green could be any kind of herb seasoning, the red could be any kind of pepper seasoning, and the blue could be any kind of cooler seasoning? I have always wondered what flavor is blue that would go into a Dorito. Is it a blue shark gummi? Is it ice? Is it milk? No one knows but it doesn’t matter because they are “Simply Delicioso.”

6. Original Pringles: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop. I wish I could thank the mechanical engineers that invented the Pringle. The shape of the Pringle, when done right, fits perfectly snug inside your mouth so your tongue is able to get all the flavoring on the top and bottom of the chip while not having to crunch and roll it around in your mouth. Then comes the packaging. The extra money invested in the silo-like can have made the Pringles brand what it is today because eating Pringles out of a plastic bag just would not be the same eating experience.

5. Harvest Cheddar Sun Chips: This chip is James Carville of chips. It is whimsical, eco-friendly, and healthy to a certain far-left extent. It utilizes natural adjectives to portray its natural flavor. These chips start off coming from God’s green Earth and that is exactly where they go when they’re done. The bag the Sun Chips sun bathe in is a biodegradable bag that breaks down in land fills much faster than any other for plastic that kills fishies in the ocean.

4. Fresh & Easy Blue Corn Tortilla Chips: Who doesn’t love these markets that took overt the vacant CVS space in your neighborhood. They provide Whole Foods quality at Wal-Mart prices due to their mean and lean business plan. They also provide a chip that is the ultimate tag team partner for salsa and guac. Once you go blue you’ll wonder who knew? Blue corn trumps white corn tortilla chips with a much more hearty and savory flavor that gives you more bang for your buck.

3. Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper Kettle Krinkle Cut Chips: Bring on the grease. The kettle style of cooking allows for the chips to almost cook each other the way the are tossed to and fro off of one another. This allows for the transaction of grease back and forth coating the chips in a thin layer of oil that envelopes our mouths upon entry. Then with the simple seasoning of Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper, these Kettle Chips become awfully hard to put down.

2. BBQ Lays: I love me some good “cue” and Lays knew exactly what they were doing when the teamed up with KC Masterpiece. I am more of Memphis style BBQ man myself with their mustard base sauces but for being a mass-produced sauce, KC Masterpiece is aight. They take their dry ingredients and give the Lays a good rub down prior to packaging allowing the veteran chips to marinate in their dry rub on store shelves. Once the bag is opened I recommend eating handfuls at a time without stopping for air.

1. Nacho Cheesier Doritos: The most versatile and tasty chip in the chip market. It can be eaten at lunch, during the Super Bowl, after a long night mashing on your couch, or my personal favorite time-the morning after as it serves as the perfect hangover cure, when paired with Gatorade and Extra-Strength Tylenol. The Nacho Chessier flavoring is complex in nature but simple in taste bringing back nostalgic memories from our past. There have been many variations of the Nacho Cheesier Dorito but throughout generations the original has outlasted all competitors and that is why it is the best chip of all time. They may have taken the “ier” out of the “cheese” for now but they will always be “Nacho Cheesier” to me.

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Comments
  1. Drew Belcher says:

    No salt and vinegar? No jalepennnno? No hot cheetos? What the FUCK, Mackin!!

    • jonmackin says:

      I can’t stand vinegar. Tapatillo is as hot as I can fux with. And I debdated putting Cheetos on the list but they are in a class of their own and doing that would have opened up a whole other can of worms.

  2. Drew Belcher says:

    Ditch the bbq Pop Chips for salt and vinegar Pop Chips. 2 bbq flavors is unacceptable.

  3. Sasto says:

    Dooode, if you havent fucked with Flamin Hot Funyuns you haven’t fucked with life. Sorry.

  4. hazel rose says:

    i LoVe to eat chips esp. pringles

  5. kathy januel says:

    yummy ??? hmp

  6. Bob says:

    Ketchup is the best

  7. Lindsey says:

    I think Veggie Chips would have been added if you thought of them. My friends will have Lays and nobody cares, but people really need to hide their Veggie chips. Very objectionable though. I don’t agree that Doritos should be at the top, and I think Puffy Cheetos should be added somewhere. I think Cheddar Sour Cream Ruffles should be higher- and they don’t hurt me. Especially not NEAR as much as Pizza Pockets… OW.

  8. Anna says:

    This sucks! A lot of those chips are gross on your list! And what about Doritos, Cheetos, Lays Sour Cream and Onion or the original? Really, Pop Chips?!!? Go to an actual store not just a gas stop store and go buy some REAL chips :P

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